She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize