if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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