Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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