i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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