I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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