I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
