I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
okay pat passed out under dana's car
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
