i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
