Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
