This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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