so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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