i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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