i just had sex bonerless
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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