my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
