My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I love having hate sex.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
