Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
