If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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