I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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