Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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