So drunk, too bad you don't want this
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
