I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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