I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You've changed since you got that strap on
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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