i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
