You don't have asthma, your pregnant
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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