You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
