ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
