so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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