Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you traded sex for a burrito?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
