Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
