when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We left the knife in your bed.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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