he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
