I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
