I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
