I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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