I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
