I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
