At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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