someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
