I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
