Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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