she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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