I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
