I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
