Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
