and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
