so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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