is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i barfeds in our rink
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
