Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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