i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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