So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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