I didn't shave. On purpose
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
