At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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