I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
