It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
