So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
