we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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