woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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