Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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