You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
